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Financial Advice

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had  $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

Are you Martha or Maxine?



Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the
bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.


Just suck the ice cream out of the
bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake!
You are probably lying on the couch
with your feet up eating it, anyway!



To keep potatoes from budding,
 place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.


Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix.
Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.



When a cake recipe calls for
flouring the baking pan,
use a bit of the dry cake mix
instead and there won't be any
white mess on the outside of the cake.


Go to the bakery!
Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!


If you accidentally over-salt a dish
while it's still cooking, drop in
a peeled potato and it will
absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'


If you over-salt a dish while you are
cooking, that's too bad. Please recite
with me the real woman's motto:
'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'



Wrap celery in aluminum foil when
putting in the refrigerator and
it will keep for weeks.


Celery? Never heard of it!



Brush some beaten egg white over
pie crust before baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.


The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions
do not include brushing egg whites
over the crust, so I don't.



Cure for headaches: take a lime,
cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.


Take a lime, mix it with tequila,
chill and drink! All your pains go away!


If you have a problem opening jars,
ry using latex dish washing gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that
makes opening jars easy.


Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.



Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.


"All that" leftover wine???????????
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

 Underwater Birth

Political Correctness

Since Grizzly Flats seems determined to reach out to the rest of the world more and more and transform our rustic, quiet life into the red-taped death grip that is "the real world," it is now important that we use the correct nomenclature when referring to those around us.  Never let it be said that I am not here to help you:

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'

3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'

7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY'-  She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'

8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'

9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'

11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'

12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER'- He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'

6.. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'

7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'

9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'

10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'

11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE'


Please implement these terms immediately because as you know, we want to fit in with the rest of the world.

What Song Was #1 The Day You Were Born?

http://www.joshhosler.biz/NumberOneInHistory/SelectMonth.htm

Click here to print out an application
 

Spring and Summer, 2008

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Stick Funnies, etc

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Feb - Mar 2007

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Thanksgiving Funnies

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