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Where Is God... Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively
mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know
all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are
probably involved.
The Real Astrology ARIES - The Aggressive, 3-21 to
4-19 SCORPIO - The Addict, 10-23 to
22-21 Click here for snowman humor... The Worm Lesson
A
minister
decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday
sermon.
The Nun and the Cab Driver A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the Nun says, "pull into the next alley." The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The Nun says, "that's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party
Go here to learn all you need to know about: Be sure and click on all of the pages! Apologies to Liz, Jackie
and My I'm so very sorry, but this one really made me laugh: George Bush is in his office and Dick Cheney comes in and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to inform you of this, but today, 5 Brazillian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan." Bush goes ashen and sinks his face into his hands, obviously devastated. "Sir?" says the Vice President, "Are you alright? I know this is devastating but..." "Tragic," sobs the President. "..but it does happen and is the way of war." "I know," Bush says, lifting his face to look at Cheny again. "So tell me, how many is a Brazillian?" Let's Just Offend Everyone, Shall We? At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, lead Singer Bono, who is a major political activist, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. As the audience listened in silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd yelled out, "Well, foockin' stop doin' it then, ya evil bastard!" Why I Don't Do Certain Things Miscellaneous Thoughts No one has more driving ambition than the boy who
wants to buy a car. Call It a Conflict of Interests... The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together. "Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. The dilemma is that we can't take you in, but we can't send you back either." Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is St. Peter. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a few of days. What d'ya say?" Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. Two days later, St. Peter got a call. "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these guys, they're killing me! This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Roberts fella has raised enough money to buy air conditioning." The Secret of Inner Peace I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, "The
way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started
and have never finished." A Heartfelt Letter From a Wife To my
darling husband,
Your loving wife PS: Your girlfriend called. She says to tell you she's pregnant. Man Class 101 Attention Men! Read it, learn it, know it, live it: 1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to just shut up right now. 2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house, then it's five minutes 3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This inevitably means "something" rather than "nothing" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine." (Refer to #1 for "fine.") 4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! The appropriate response to this is, "I don't know what I was thinking. I must have lost my mind." 5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but because it is a non-verbal statement, it is often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of "nothing.") 6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. It should involve foot rubs, house cleaning, chocolates, dinner, flowers and depending on the severity of whatever is "okay," possibly jewelry. 7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question or faint. Just say, "You're welcome" and move on. 8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying "F*ck YOU!" Do not proceed, even with caution. The only appropriate response to this is, "I don't know what I was thinking. I'm very sorry." If you're lucky, this will be followed by "That's okay" and you can proceed directly to the instructions given in #6.
9.) Don't worry about
it, I got it: This is a particularly dangerous and complicated statement
because it is likely in response to something that a woman has told a
man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will
undoubtedly result in the man asking "What's wrong?" and the woman
responding with "Nothing." (See #3). She will then follow up
with the Loud Sigh (see #5) and he will make the mistake of saying he'll
be there in five minutes (See #2). She will respond with
"Whatever." (See #8) Under no circumstances should the man then
tell the woman that he will do _______ (fill in the blank with what
she's doing that he was supposed to do) right after he ________s (fill
in the blank with what he really wants to do) lest he risk encountering
either "Go ahead!" (see #4) or "Fine" (See #1), either of which is a
dark place from which he isn't likely to return without the pass word of
"I don't know what I was thinking. I must have
lost my mind" followed by immediately performing the task she has
intended to do that he was supposed to do many times before. *If*
he happens to get to "Go Ahead" or "Fine" and carefully follows the
instructions of admitting he has lost his mind and promptly getting busy
on the task in question, he might make it to "Thanks" (See #7) and be
safe. A move not to be attempted by amateurs is to then
apologize for not completing the task sooner (only to be executed while
the task is being performed or immediately after its successful
conclusion), which may earn "That's okay," (See #6) whereby he can
smoothly move into the recompense phase and have aptly negotiated the
waters to a joyful conclusion. Again, this last maneuver is for
advanced practitioners only. Top 10 Signs You Drank Too Much This Weekend
9. Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 8. For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car. 7. You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 6. Absolut wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5. Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's VomitMan!" 4. The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. 3. Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 2. Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 1. You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a marketing slogan and not a personal challenge. What Are the Chances? Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf and country club. Luckily, it's a beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so they've been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies, who from the guys' perspective, are having trouble on the green. In fact, they've each five-putted it! This is an indication that both women don't really know how to golf. The first guy says "Christ. I hope they just had a bad hole, I don't want to follow these broads for the next eleven holes!" So the second one goes, "Well, maybe I'll go talk to them, and maybe they can let us pass them. I'll be back in a sec." So he trots off, about to go and ask to let them pass. Suddenly, about a hundred feet away from the women, he stops and spins away from them as fast as he can. When he comes back, he exclaims "That's my wife and my lover! They're both here! Golfing together! I'm sorry, man, but I can't say anything to them. I'm liable to be killed if they see me. You'll have go ask them if we can play through." So the other guy agrees and trots off to go ask them if they can pass and get on with their game. The other guy stops suddenly, spins around and runs back to his buddy, white as a sheet. Confused, the first guy says, "What's wrong? What's the matter?" His buddy replies, "Same thing, man. Same thing." Things NOT To Say To a Cop
A Little Help From the Wife A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire". Lessons From a Marriage The bride and groom arrive at the honeymoon motel and the groom decides to illustrate a point to his new wife. He takes off pants and throws them her and says, "Put these on." "I can't wear those," she replies. "They're too big!" "That's right," he says, "and I'll trust you'll remember that from this day on that I'm the one who wears the pants in this family." The wife is a little surprised by this, but being a quick thinking gal, she slips her panties off and tosses them to her husband, saying, "In that case, you can put these on." He catches the tiny panties, looks flustered and says, "'There no way I can get into those!" "That's right," she answers, "and unless you change your attitude, you never will." * Years later, they were quarreling and the husband said, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." Without missing beat, the wife replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it at the time." * Having to get to an appointment while still fuming, they got into the car and started driving. When they passed a farm, the husband nodded toward a bunch of pigs and said, "Relatives of yours?" The wife said, "Yes, in-laws." Things to do in an elevator
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE or PMS, does it take to change a light bulb? A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no
one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even
know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE
DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they
wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that
they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did,
by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they
dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE
SAME SPOT AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS
CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!! IT'S A WONDER WE
HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP
THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAK E AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!! Good News and Bad News A frog went to a psychic for a reading and she tells him, "I have good news and bad news for you." The frog eagerly says, "Ooh! What's the good news?" The psychic says, "Next month, you are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "That's not good news, that's great news! Where will I meet her? At a party? At work? Where?" "That's the bad news," says the psychic. "You're going to meet her in biology class. Top 10 Things to do at the Mall 10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY
SHOELACES! AAAGH!" 8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. 7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke. 6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts. 5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them. 4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof". 3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish. 2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. 1. Show people your driver's license and demand to
know whether or not they've seen this person. Quick Thinking A woman who was getting married called her mother three days before the wedding with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiancé's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding." The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony." "But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it." "Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner." The Dumb Blonde Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we
don't have a ladder." Part Two Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed... The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." Part Three A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks
for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two
weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The Bad Day It all started when I rear-ended another car this morning. I was following too close, he slammed on his brakes and bam, I caught his rear bumper. "Crap," I thought. "This is NOT a way to begin a day." The driver got out of his car and I was stunned to see that he was a dwarf. I don't know why I didn't think dwarves could drive, but I guess they can. He came striding over to my car and said, "I am NOT Happy." I couldn't help it. Some horrible compulsion came over me. I had to say it. "Then which one are you?" That's when the fight started. The Best Sign Ever Seen In a Store
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