One of the finest books every written and what I could likely declare to be my "Bible" is The Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love, which has made me the tiara wearing, trash-talking, wisdom-bearing queen that I am today. 

I found out about Jill Connor Browne about a year ago from my friend, Marcia, affectionately known as "TammyMarcia," as are all of the Queens who are not fortunate enough to have their actual name be Tammy.  We just annex it on there because it is the name of the quintessential homecoming queen.  Not everyone can be a Queen, of course, just like in England it's own self, but everyone can want to be a Queen and I have to tell you, that's half the fun.  If you can get absolutely everything you want, it makes you fat and complacent and doesn't give you a whole lot of reason to get up in the morning.  You can reference my own state of being for the truth that lies in that statement.

After TammyMarcia hooked me on Book of Love, I got busy on the rest of the books in the series and never looked back.  I mostly get the audio books and honestly cannot remember the last time I read one with my eyes instead of my ears.  The author actually reads the books on the audiobooks and there is something to her voice that is quite soothing to me, mostly because it sounds like home.  Since my folks are dead from me on back and my brothers are scattered to the four winds, there's not much I have any more to take me back home and Jill's voice does it.  There is some kind of primal "tell me a story" quality to curling up with a light blanket on the chaise lounge and plugging in the earphones, throwing the lavender and fennel seed eye pillow on my aching eyeballs and listening to her just talk away that nestles me into a very secure and happy place.

One of the tenets espoused by Book of Love and the subsequent books is the man-attracting method of "treat'em like shit and don't give'em any."  Although Auntie Jill swears that this is an effective method of winning over those of the male persuasion, I have to say that I have not actually employed it myself.  I lean more toward the "give'em all you've got and hope they call" approach, but of course, that was before I was enlightened to the wisdom of the SPQ's.  Given another stab at the dating game (and I truly hope I do not get that opportunity as it would imply that my sweet baboo passed on to the other side or else passed on to someone not me, neither of which would make for a fun day), I might give it a try because honey, I can do aloof. 

With Eric (my sweet baboo), it was the cooking.  He couldn't give up the fried chicken, mashed potatoes and biscuit dinners and honey, I was as good as in.  Since I was not overtly offensive in other ways and just kept on cooking, I hooked him in just under a year (and several pounds of chicken). 

I was thinking about this "treat'em like shit and don't give'em any" method of dealing with people outside of the dating game and more in line with just human interaction.

Do we, as humans, feel challenged by people whose respect and admiration for us remain just out of our grasp?  Do we transfer the need we have to feel validated by our parents to these apparently unreachable souls who treat us like shit?

Geez, I hope not.   This is one of the few places where I make a concerted effort to not run with the herd. I have no trouble at all dropping connections and walking away after a person has demonstrated to me that they have the ability to just be a total asshat to me, especially if I've been going out of my way to do something for them.  I don't usually (gotta qualify it there) help out people or get involved with community efforts with a hidden agenda of wanting something in return.  I'm very careful about where my energy goes because I don't have a lot of it and I don't feel right within myself when I get overextended.

I'm a firm believer that we should never, ever give to someone what we suspect we are going to later resent, so before I volunteer for anything or get involved with some kind of civic effort, I make sure I have room and resources in my life for it.  I also make sure my motives are good.

Sometimes, you get into a situation where you feel forced to agree to something you really don't want to do and even then, I'll be careful about saying yes.  Although I have a white hot, burning dislike for Oprah Winfrey (don't get me started), one thing she did say stuck in my head.  She was talking about the same thing on a show about women who cannot say 'no' and then just sit and fester and whine about all they have to do.  She said that if someone asks her to do something that she knows she doesn't want to do and she feels too intimidated to just come out and say no, she tells them that she has to pray about it.  Then the next day, she comes back to them and says, "Sorry, Jesus said, 'No.'"

I usually don't take that kind of wimpy approach and I'm in more in line with saying I'll think about it and then actually thinking about it to decide if it's something I can give with love or not.  I'd rather have a friend who is pissed at me for not doing something they think I ought to do than for me to do something and then get mad at the person who asked me to do it because I didn't have the bojangles to say no in the first place. 

That means that when I agree to do something, it's free of strings.  It's because I feel comfortable saying I'll do it and no one has to worry that I'm going to come back later and be pissy about it. 

On the other side of it, I know how to shut the door when a situation just isn't working for me any more, whether it's a relationship or a job or a gratuity I've extended to someone.  I don't mind hard work and I don't mind personal sacrifice and I don't mind going out of my way on behalf of another or some worthy cause, but once the scales tip to a place that it's just not working for me, I'll quietly step back and let the show proceed without me.

I am fortunate in that I can entertain myself pretty much endlessly, so I don't need a lot of people and activity around me to feel complete.  I'm very lucky to have such amazing friends in my day to day life.  This whole community service, civic minded me is a way I haven't been for decades.  I did the PTA/PTO thing and did it at full tilt.  I did the whole Air Force community thing.  I let it go and was fine with that.  Now, I've stepped back into the community events arena with GFORCE not only having their own events, but also supporting other things going on out here in the world.  It's been nice and I've enjoyed it, but I'm good with letting it go if it ever comes to that.  I'm flexible.

For the most part, people have been wonderfully receptive and grateful for the help, which is just lovely.  Like anything else, when it gets to a place where I'm not enjoying doing it any more because there are too many high school dramas and people getting all worked up over things that you just can't believe they are getting so worked up about, it gets to be time for me to ease on back out of the spotlight and do my own thing.  I'm not real big on people building up issues into major personal traumas and going on the attack to one another like rabid dogs.  If I'm the one getting bitten, watch how fast you're looking at my taillights. 

One thing I love about GFORCE and the gals who are involved with me in it is that they are all independent, intelligent women who know their own minds and who don't take crap off of people.  We love what we're doing and don't have any intention of doing things we don't love doing.  If it becomes evident that the big ol' "tempest in a teacup" drama spectaculars are more than we want to involve ourselves with, we're more than happy to go right back to our own, happenin' little lives, a few friends richer and a few cents poorer.  We're not in this to be barked at or bullied or pushed around. We definitely have other places where we can be putting our time and energy and are more than happy to tra la our happy little butts on over to that side of the fence.  I'm sure our families would love to see us from time to time as well.

We're sort of the other side of the Sweet Potato Queens' policy: Treat us like shit and we don't give anyone anything except ourselves and our families. 

It's not burn out.  It's not vindictiveness.  It's just that we believe in that whole higher order of primates situation that dictates, "Don't shit where you eat."    If there's some shittin' going on (especially bullshittin'), we'll go eat somewhere else.  We're smart like that.

As TammyAndie would say, "That's my story and I'm stickin' to it."

Be particular,