You Know Your Church Is A
Redneck Church if... the finance committee
refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because
none of the members knows how to play one.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck
Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the
5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was
used to catch 'em.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck
Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to
help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck
Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an
official church holiday.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck
Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in
his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it
couldn't get out of." (Love it!)
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck
Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only
seven last names in the church directory.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck
Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the
floor to howling.
You Know Your Church Is A RedneckChurch if... people think "rapture" is what you get
when you lift something too heavy.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck
Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck
Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered
with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck
Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a
'56 Chevy.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck
Church if... instead of a bell, you are called to service by
a duck call.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck
Church if... the minister and his wife drive
matching pickup trucks.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck
Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled
Pink".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck
Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to
hunting dogs, too.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck
Church if... the final words of the benediction
are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear!"
First Burger Night June 13, 2008
Grizzly Flats' Alpha Males
work out who will be manning
the grills at Burger Night.
Woman Wisdom
Women over 50 don't
have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left
them.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she
has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a
woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know
what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your
body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain
consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and
setting fire to my pants.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2
sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like... 'You
know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my
mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You
have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and
then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating
too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's
my idea of a perfect day!
The Guide to Engineers ...and I know, I married one!
Understanding Engineers - #1
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - #2
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, 'What's with those
guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'
The priest said, 'Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with
him..' He said, 'Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The green-keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They
lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, 'That's so sad. I
think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'
Understanding Engineers - #3
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - #4
The graduate with a science degree asks,' Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'
Understanding Engineers - #5
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers - #6
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me I'll turn back into a
beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.'
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you
I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.'
What Did She Say?
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? She challenged
the weatherman who had predicted snow that did not arrive and asked "So
Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!
Still a Virgin
A young man married a
beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night,
she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married
ten times.?"
"Well,
husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it
was going to be.
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with
me.
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state
of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it.
"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was... God, I miss
him.
"But
now that I've married you, I'm so excited."
"Wonderful," said the husband, "but why?"
"You work for the government, so I KNOW I'M gonna get
SCREWED."
A Bear Walks Into a Bar...
A bear walks into Pearts and sits down. He bangs on the bar
with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears here.'
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We don't serve beer to
belligerent bears here '
The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going
to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'
The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bullying bears here.'
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He
comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, 'Sorry, we still don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears here who are on drugs.'
The bear looks shocked and says, 'I'm NOT on drugs.
...........You're gonna love this........
The bartender says, 'You are now. That was a
bar-bitch-you-ate.
APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER
OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts
tomorrow
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his
tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any
sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the
dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how
many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone
else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a
car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at
4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to
like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same
size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of
old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the
Golden Oldies!)
18 Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to
cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 50 if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are
probably dead.
How to Tell if You Are
Married
Three women, one engaged, one married and one a
mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their
men. That night, all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels
and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days, they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: 'The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found
me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and
said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all
night long.'
The mistress: 'Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didnšt say a word, but we had wild sex all
night.'
The married woman: 'I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the
night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the
door and saw me, he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?''
The Wisdom
of Larry The Cable Guy
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some
people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the
heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow
Making Men Happy
Whatcha wanna bet men love to pee in this bathroom:
About That Haircut...
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop
full of customers and said, "About two hours." The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and
said, "About three hours." The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long
before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said,
"About an hour and half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow
that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait
for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later,
Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So
where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
