Grizzly Flats Humor

4 Stages of Life

* * *

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."

He decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in, and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble all of these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax."

He sighed, "Third, let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box ."

* * *

WAL-MART APPLICATION

This is supposedly an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny...you gotta love it!!!

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:           Here it is.
TEACHER:    Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:    Maria.
   __________________________________________

TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:           You told me to do it without using tables.
   __________________________________________

TEACHER:         Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN:               K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER:       No, that's wrong
GLENN:             Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
   _______________________________________________

TEACHER:       Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:          H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:        What are you talking about?
DONALD:          Yesterday you said it's H to O.
   __________________________________

TEACHER:       Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:             Me!
   __________________________________________

TEACHER:      Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:               Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
   _______________________________________

TEACHER:       Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE:            I is...
TEACHER:       No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE:              All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
   _________________________________

TEACHER:       George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:              Because George still had the axe in his hand.
   ______________________________________

TEACHER: !   Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:           No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
   ______________________________

TEACHER:   Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.   Did you copy his?
CLYDE:      No, teacher, it's the same dog.
   ___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:       A teacher.

* * * * *

She married and had 6 children. Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 3 more children. Again, her husband died.

But she remarried and this time had 4 more children.

At last, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply." In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Is he referring to her first, second or third husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he's referring to her legs."

******

Things Teachers Would Like to Put On Report Cards

          1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

          2. I would not allow this student to breed.

          3. This student has delusions of adequacy.

          4. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

          5. The student sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

          6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

          7. Student has been working with glue too much.

          8. When the student's IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.

          9. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

          10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

          11. It's hard to believe the sperm that created this student beat out 1,000,000 others.

          12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

Country Deputy vs City Lawyer

It's different in the country, my friends!

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from the country. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

The deputy says," License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, says the deputy. License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving *#@! out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

Ya gotta love this principal.

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and then cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

* * *

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do ?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy ?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .

(ok this is good)

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

GM VS Microsoft

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way Computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the Computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would All be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button..

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

1. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

2. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

3. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

The First Time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is t o know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you we re this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

What Dogs Really Think

Why Dogs Bite Humans

Why Dogs Bite Humans, Round 2

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.

You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India .

The End

A very special Grizzly Flats resident sent me these this week to remind us that we might just be presuming a level of intelligence in our fellow folk that just, well, isn't there!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution... They Walk Among Us!

====================

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said..."where???" They Walk among us!!

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us!!

====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . They Walk Among Us!!!

====================

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". They Walk Among Us!!!!

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They Walk Among Us!!!!!

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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount on both.... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!

====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!

====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. Yep, THEY Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

That same Grizzly Flats resident who sent me the above tidbits, also sent me this that had me thinking, "Hmmmm."

Words to Live By!

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and yo! u'll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody can use the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

...and this!

Why, Why, Why...

Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was when we said it was too hot?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

The Adventures of Bill & Pete

Pete was driving back into town after a week away on business when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse, he was surprised to see his neighbor, Bill walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 50 men walking single file.

Pete was so curious that he went up to Bill and said, "Bill, what's going on? Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

Bill replied, "Well, the other day, I got this new dog here and when Cheryl bent down to pet him, I'll be damned if the dog didn't just attack and kill her."

Pete was shocked, "Bill, that's just terrible. I'm sorry to hear it. But who is in the second hearse?"

Bill replied, "Oh, that's my mother-in-law. She was trying to help Cheryl and I'll be damned if the dog didn't turn on her and kill her as well."

Bill looked at Pete and Pete looked at Bill, then Pete said, "Bill, I know this is a bad time for you and all, but can I borrow that dog?"

Bill sighed, "Get in line, Pete."

Bill past his neighbor's house and saw that he was digging a good sized hole in his yard. Curious, he pulled into the driveway and wandered over to see what was going on.

"Pete?" he asks.

"Hi Bill," his neighbor answers.

"You OK, Pete?"

"I'm alright, Bill, just burying my cat."

"Burying your cat? That's a shame! How come the hole's so big?"

"Because he's in your dog."

More Adventures of Bill & Pete:

Bill checked his calendar, then made an important call to the FBI. "Yes, my name is Bill Malloy up here in Grizzly Flats and I have reason to believe that my next door neighbor, Peter Douglass, is in possession of a good bit of heroin and possibly some illegal firearms with intent to sell those very same items. Frankly, I'm appalled to even think that such things could be going on in such a fine community as this. I'm getting a bit concerned and wondered if you could come up here and check it out. My understanding is that he has the stuff hidden out in his wood pile and has smuggled it in through these hollowed out rounds."

A couple of hours later, he sees two cars and a van rolling down the road at top speed and sure enough, they tear into Pete's house and out back to his wood pile. About three hours after that, one of the cars and the van head back down the road and one of the cars pulls into Bill's driveway. An official looking man got out of the car, shook Bill's hand and thanked him for his concern, but assured him that a full search had revealed no evidence of drugs or firearms in the woodpile. Bill apologized, said he must have been mistaken and thanked them for their diligence. "No, thank you," the official said. "We need more alert and aware citizens like yourself keeping their eyes open and making sure our country is safe." Bill offered the official a glass of lemonade, but he declined and was on his way.

Once they were out of sight, Bill picked up the phone.

"Pete?"

"Yeah, Bill?"

"How's things over there?"

"Well, Bill, it was interesting. These FBI guys came barging in, went out into my wood pile, ripped it to shit, then apologized and left."

"Mmm hmm. They get that 5 cords of oak rounds you just hauled in all chopped up?"

"Yeah, Bill, they did. Chopped it all to hell."

"Hey, happy birthday, buddy."

Attention Baby Boomers!

I thought y'all might want to know that in honor of the turn of the year, some of our favorite performers are re-releasing a few of their hits, updated to reflect our advancing age:

They include:

1. Herman's Hermits
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

2. The Bee Gees
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

3. Bobby Darin
Splish Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

4. Ringo Starr
I Get By With a Little Help from Depends

5. Roberta Flack
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

6. Johnny Nash
I Can't See Clearly Now

7. Paul Simon
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. Commodores
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

9. Marvin Gaye
I Heard it Through the Grape Nuts

10. Procol Harem
A Whiter Shade of Hair

11. Leo Sayer
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

12. The Temptations
Papa's Got a Brand New Kidney Stone

13. Abba
Denture Queen

14. Tony Orlando
Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall

15. Helen Reddy
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

16. Willie Nelson
On the Throne Again

17. Leslie Gore
It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"No thank you," the old lady said kindly. "I haven't got any money and it would be a waste of your time and mine" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration. It will definitely change your mind about what you can and can't afford."

The old lady was about at the edge of her temper, but she still remained calm and said, "Son, I can assure you, there isn't anything you can show me that will change my mind about the fact that I don't have any money. Now if you don't mind..."

Determined to make a sale, the young man pushed open the door further and hurled a bucket of horse manure onto her living room carpet. "If this vacuum doesn't remove all traces, and I mean all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old woman looked at him, looked at her soiled carpet, then looked back at him again and sighed, saying, "Well, I hope you're hungry. PG&E cut off my electricity yesterday."

A very wealthy woman decided to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful old poodle, Cuddles, along with her. One day, the old poodle is chasing butterflies and finds that he has wandered too far away from the safari and is lost.

As he meandered around, trying to find his way back to camp, he noticed that a leopard was stalking him. Seeing a pile of bones nearby and thinking quickly, he started chewing on the bones and said, loud enough for the leopard to hear, "Ahhhh! That was some really, really great leopard! I really hope there's another one around here I can take down for dessert!"

The leopard froze in mid lunge and quickly eased away through the trees, thinking of the narrow escape he'd just made. A monkey had been watching all that was going on and figured this would be a great way to gain favor with the leopard and get some jungle protection. He chased after the leopard and told him how the old poodle had made a fool of him.

Furious at being duped, the young leopard was ready to attack. "Monkey," he seethed, "Get up on my back and just watch what happens to that sneaky old poodle. He's going to regret the day he crossed paths with me!"

He bounded off after the poodle, who saw the leopard coming with the monkey riding on his back and quickly figured out what had happened. Ever quick on the draw, the poodle waited until they were within earshot and said, "Dammit, where is that monkey? I sent him off over an hour ago to find me another leopard to eat!"