The Boys Named John

A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, "John". "Yes", she replied, "All three sons are named John."

"Why would you do that?", inquired the government worker.

"It makes it much easier to get things done.", was her reply. "John, time for bath." And they all would get in the bath. "John, time for supper." And they all would come to the table.

Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.

"Oh that's easy", she replied. "I just call them by their last name."

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.  She rang the doorbell and walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.  Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love Dress? But ... you're naked!" the mother-in-law shouted.

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she answered. "When he sees it, he instantly becomes romantic."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered and put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and stretched out on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.  "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

His funeral will be held this coming Monday. Closed casket.

Something's Wrong With My Ear!

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my penis and I need to see an doctor right now," he replied loudly.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly, "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

Benny and His Helpers

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

Legal Beagles

The following statements are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis,does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I,Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception of the baby ws August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

____________ __________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

0-200 or Else

Mike forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Mike got up really early.

When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.

She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Mike is not yet well enough to have visitors

THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN -
This is so cute and oh so true

Your Clothes:
1st baby:  You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby:  Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby:  You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing
didn't do a thing.
3rd baby:  You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold
them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only
the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby:  At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up
the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier:
1st baby:  If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can
go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some
juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or
not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain
about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:
1st baby:  You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:
1st baby:  The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home
five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number
where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.

At Home:
1st baby:  You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child:  When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the
coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!!


GRANDCHILDREN: .God's reward for allowing your children to live.

State Mottos Bound to Offend Everyone

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
 
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
 
Arizona
Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.
 
Arkansas
Lituracy Ain't Everythang.
 
California
By 30, Our Women Have More
Plastic Than Your Honda.
 
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
 
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts, only smaller
 
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
 
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
And Our Voting Skills.
 
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
 
Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
 
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes
Sure Are Real Good
 
Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
 
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
 
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
 
Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States
 
Kentucky
Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names
 
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
 
Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
 
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
 
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden FAMILY'S And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
 
Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
 
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes
 
Mississippi
Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State
 
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
 
Montana
Land of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,
Right-wing Crazies and Honest Elections!
 
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
 
Nevada
Hookers and Poker!
 
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
 
New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
 
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!
 
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
 
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
 
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan
 
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing
 
Oregon
Spotted Owl.. It's What's For Dinner
 
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal
 
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island
 
South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
 
South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota
  
Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum
 
Texas
Se Hable Ingles
 
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
 
Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedys
 
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And
Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
 
Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
 
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!
 
Wisconsin
Come Cut the Cheese!
 
Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
Home of Brokeback Mtn.
 
The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place!

Good Eatin's!

A family was coming across Donner's Pass in the dead of winter when their car went off the road and they were stranded.  The roads were closed and it was a week before anyone found them.  During that time, of course they became hungry and the dad went out to hunt for food. 

They were rescued and the dad promptly found himself in court brought up on charges of killing an endangered animal.  Turns out he'd served up a California Condor to his hungry family.

He pleaded he case well and the judge ruled that given the extreme circumstances surrounding the event, he couldn't really fault the man, so he dismissed the charges.  As the courtroom was clearing, he called the dad over and said quietly, "You know, I'm sure a lot of people are wondering and I have the opportunity to find out, so I am going to take it.  What in the world does a California Condor taste like?"

The man thought for a moment and then replied, "Sort of like the Spotted Owl, but a little tougher and a bit more gamey."

Girl Porn

If you fellas were ever wondering what exactly we women fantasize about in our deepest, most personal and private moments, here it is.

Well Played!

A country girl and a city girl were seated side by side on an airplane.

The country girl, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"

The city girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The country girl, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya from, bitch?"

Gasoline:  Maybe a Better Deal Than We Thought!

We have all been frustrated by the outrageous price of gasoline, so maybe we need to get a different perspective on things:

Gasoline ... $3.00 per gallon on average

Then there's:

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 .... $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ... $9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 .... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ... $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ... $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ... $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ... $84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49 ... $21.19 per gallon!

$21.19 for WATER
and the buyers don't even know the source.

(Psst:  "Evian" spelled backwards is "Naive."
Accident?  I don't think so!)

Printer Ink ... $5,200 a gallon
(Yes, that is pronounced:  "five thousand two hundred dollars")

So, the next time you're at the pump,
be glad your car doesn't run on
bottled water, Scope, Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil
or God forbid, printer ink!

They Walk Among Us...
[Note from Katrina:  These were not written by me, just shared by me]

IDIOT SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time,  a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." 

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.   He was a Chef?

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"  To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"   He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"  She was a probation officer in Wichita, Kansas

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker:

She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealer-ship to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!"   His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi