Chapter 1

 

"You should write a book!"  I can't tell you how many times those words were said to me.  I always had a great intelligent reply, (well so I thought).  "All the people named in a book about myself would have to be dead, or I would have to publish it under a pen name like the Bronte sisters did.  Well, first off the people that would look at me in confusion I had to draw one of two conclusions, they thought I was crazy or I thought they were crazy because they didn't know who the Bronte sisters were! 

The first isn't so much of a crime as in the second, since I happen to love the quote by the amazing Jane Austen " The person, be it a gentleman or a lady who has not pleasure in a good novel must be intolerably stupid."  Jane spoke my mind perfectly! 

I will get into later why all the people in my book (if it ever gets written) will have the courtesy of myself (ahem) to be re-named to protect their innocence or reputation.  I have stories that are so off the wall even by today's standards that you will have to check and make sure that you didn't happen upon this in the fiction section. 

The Pirate Mom came to me as I was literally scooping cat poop for the millionth time.  I was replaying those famous words in my head, " I will take care of the cat".  I try to ignore them mostly however the tray is in my laundry room and the smell will peel paint if not handled promptly.  I started screaming at the top of my lungs to my darling family who actually started to give me REASONS for not taking care of the mess for a WEEK!  I informed them that it must be time to get my uniform on and dig for buried treasure!  So, I donned my greatest martyr/pirate outfit.  It was complete with the baggy shirt with lots of holes, pants that are so ragged and old but too precious to throw away since they have seen me through both children.  I needed to find some rope for a belt since the elastic has long since said adieu but in the meantime I will stick with pulling them up every five minutes. ( It helps with the whole martyr effect). 

Back to business, I started to hum like Cinderella and I thought all the ways my life resembled a pirate.  I thought about how many times pirates must have dug around only to find items similar in monetary value as I was sifting out for discounted price courtesy of my cat.  I finished up and walked outside to enjoy the sea (I mean fresh air) all the way to the garbage can.  I had to go back inside and continue proving my point and I didn't want to waste my outfit on JUST the litter box.  So, I decided to involve everyone.  "All swabs on deck!"  We are going to get this house in ship-shape together.  Everyone knows that it takes more than one person to sail a ship and I was determined to prove that the same theory was correct with my little slice of paradise! 

You remember that sneaky way your parents got you to do something?  It went a little something like this..."We are going to clean the garage today, but it is going to be so much fun!"  Well, I decided to amuse myself, (forget the rest of them they let me do the digging again!)  and see how many ways I could sympathize with those underappreciated ocean dwellers.  I started on the dishes and as soon as I got my hands wet (of course)  my son decided that his tooth hurt and he needed me to look at it right now.  I patiently dried off my hands and found my telescope (magnifying glass) to see if I needed to pay a visit to the dentist.  I was blind-sided by the stench that started to make my eyes water.  I quietly asked "Did you brush your teeth this morning?"  "No, you told us to brush our teeth after we eat and I am not done with my bologna!"  So, the stench was morning mouth/bologna combo.  I wondered if even a pirate would have offered my son a tic-tac.  At the very least, at the first whiff they would have climbed up to the crows nest and checked for any sea chum that might have drifted by.  Alas, we would continue on our charted course and informed my darling child that we would all feel better if he brushed up.  Getting nowhere with me he walked away in disgust. 

Now then... back to the dishes.  I started to wonder if pirates used utensils, or did they just eat with their hands?  It was precisely what we would be doing next if I didn't get back to cleaning the millions forks and spoons left at the bottom of our little ocean (the sink) entangled in seaweed (spaghetti).   

Next the captain walked in.  Oh, did you think I was the captain?  Not with the digging for buried treasure job!  Add medic and dishwasher swab too.  No, I was second in command, the motivator!  I completely sympathized with him as to his reasons for letting the cat box slip and no it wasn't that time of the month!  My adrenaline was up and I was going to put it to use.  All I needed was a little help from this crew and then I could relax! 

Well since the dishes were already almost done I got the "Oh, I was going to do those!"  I am so sorry you had your heart set on this job and I took it away from you.  Now, apparently I have committed a barbarous act!  Well, I offered up an alternative (washing the cars)  and it was accepted.  Wonderful, we had an accord!

 

To be continued.................